Russia Tour Diary Part 1

Day 1 – 16/09/09

...”well get Putin down here then!”...

The day started at 04.00am with a very hungover, pukey journey to Heathrow where we managed to blag our excessive baggage on to BMI's 09.30 flight to Moscow. The flight consisted of Fanny having Final Destination style premonitions, Harrison puking every half an hour, shit food and a very dull Eddie Murphy film.

We landed in Moscow at 16.30 local time where we were met by our tour manager, host family, a very flash mercedes (complete with blacked out windows and a mullet-sporting driver) and our first bottle of Russian Vodka!

After getting to know our new Russian friends over a bottle of voddy in the van we arrived at Igor and Paulina's flat where we soon discovered a wall-mounted HDTV, PS3 and fridge full of vodka. Within five minutes of us putting our bags down, the second litre of vodka was cracked open.

“you must drink vodka with guerkins” we were told. The smell and taste of vodka combined with the brutal taste of guerkins didn't sound all that appealing, but when in russia....

Another two litres of vodka and a jar of guerkins down we were REALLY FUCKED!

The hours shot by and Phil, Kal and Fanny decided to call it a night, with two more litres of vodka still left Harrison and Pete decided to represent until there wasn't a drop of vodka or a single guerkin left in sight!

They stumbled to bed around 6am only to awake again within the hour.

Now what happened next is a perfect example of why English people should never attempt to keep up with the Russian's when it comes to drinking Vodka, or pretty much any intoxicating liquids.

Fanny awoke to Pete puking on the majority of his upper torso and received a very well executed upper cut after trying to move our now paralletic front man.

Harrison awoke to the sound of “ I can't fucking puke any more........well get Putin down here then!” Intrigued by all this comotion, he also received a left hook Ricky Hatton would have been proud of after trying to diffuse the Punch-drunk time bomb!

After a boozy scuffle everyone returned to bed to sleep off whatever the fuck had just happened.

Day 2 – 17/09/09

...”Mate, I'm SO sorry!”...

With the stench of Vodka and Guerkin-based puke freshly lingering in the air, Harrison awoke to a very hungover, appologetic Pete.

We laughed off the previous nights' events over our first cooked Russian breakfast, before jumping on the Moscow underground to the first show of the tour.

We arrived at the venue which was.............and had some lunch.

With our hangovers still in full swing we decided to try a traditional Russian hangover cure...........more Vodka!

Based on the same masochistic principles of our “Hair of the dog” theory, the Russian's find this to be the ONLY way to cure a hangover.

I feel at this point I should point out that all shots in Russia are served in 75 ml glasses, not the standard 35ml glasses our binge-drinking society are familiar with.

By the time soundcheck roled around our alcohol levels were back up and we were ready to complete the longest ever soundcheck. After checking each drum, amp and microphone at least 7 times, we nestled in to our booth for some dinner and more Vodka.

We met Russian Fat Mike who turned out to be called Romi, guitarist from Trick Shots and our Tour Manager for the second half of the tour.

After spending roughly half an hour repeating “Fuck Dude....you look just like Fat Mike!” we cracked on with more Vodka and watched Jet Packs open the show.

We were soon shit faced and asked to do a video interview for some website, Harrison managed to string together a few answers whilst Fanny repeatedly shouted at the interviewer “mate you look just like Gareth Gates........what do you mean, who the fuck is Gareth Gates?”

All was going well until three songs into our set all the power on stage cut out. We were told to remain on stage and half an hour later we were allowed to carry on with our set. Not the greatest start to the tour but the crowd got really into it and we witnessed the gnarliest crowd surfer ever, Swanton Bomb (RIP Matt and Jeff Hardy) on to the crowd from a height of 20ft – Mr Crowd Surfer, we salute you!

After the show we discovered something awesome, something which would never exist in England.

Ok, here it is.... In Russia you can wave any car down and ask them to take you home! All you have to do is pay them a small fee (£3-£6). Even if it's well out of the drivers way, they'll do it. GENIUS!

We got back to the flat and tucked into some more Vodka and a UFC Playstation tournament.

Day 3 – 18/09/09

"you must eat marmalade cake"

The plush Mercedes picked us up around mid day to take us to Tula, a City three hours away from Moscow and famous for its AK47 factory and Marmalade bread/cake/stuff.

Vlad decided that the best way to make the journey seem quicker was to drink vodka, so we humoured him and got drunk. There was already a crowd outside the venue when we arrived for soundcheck so we got the feeling that the show was going to be a gooden.

Once again, food and vodka awaited us after soundcheck – much nicer than the customary English walk to the nearest supermarket, eat in the van and hide your alcohol from the bouncers.

After washing our dinner down with vodka we were asked to sign the main poster for the show which was at the entrance and give an interview with local music press. The woman was really nice and was very patient with us, drunkenly trying to form vaguely intelligent answers. I expect “Yeah....Russia's awesome.........Vodka!......Hot girls” was pretty much all we could manage.

The Bojarski opened the show and whipped the crowd into a frenzy, they were awesome! We had a great time on stage – Igor spent the majority of our set pouring vodka and gin in our mouths, Harrison fell over and played the whole of “A Look Over” on the floor, unable to get back up.

After the show we went outside to get some air and ended up spending around an hour signing things, tickets, money, passports and asses – very strange experience!

Back to Moscow.

Day 4 – 19/09/09

“Champagne Supernova”

After a much needed lie-in we got to the metro for a day of sight-seeing in Moscow. We spent a few hours being tourists at Red Square before heading to a bar to get drunk on the cheap before hitting Tanya's party.

We met up with the guys from CMEX (Smeck) who were playing at the party and with us the following night in Istra. They were great guys and joined us for more beers and Vodka.

By this point we were completely smashed and all it took was a few chords of CMEX's first song for us to get the pyramid's and shoulder ride fights going.

We drunkenly danced the night away, one DnB “anthem” at a time, after driving everyone else off the dance floor we returned to the backstage area. To our amazement, Vlad was stood on a table stripping and pouring one of Tanya's birthday bottles of champagne over himself.

It was fucking hillarious!

Day 5 – 20/09/09

Welcome To Mother Russia!

After an hour and a half on the train we weren't even out of Moscow yet, it made us realise how long our journey to Ufa and Ekaterinburg was likely to be.

We were met at the train station in Istra by a few guys who were coming to the show and offered to drive to the venue. Now your average Russian driver will drive like a psycho, but this guy was a fucking lunatic!

“You like Lamb Of God?” he asked, as they just happen to be Fanny's favourite band he replied “Yes”.

For the rest of the journey we had “Sacrament” playing at a deafening volume, no seatbelts and a stomach full of vodka. After overtaking one car with a BMW heading towards us, the driver decided to continue passing as many cars as he could and tuck himself back in, seconds before a head-on collision.

We told Vlad to tell the driver to slow the fuck down! And arrived at the venue soon after.

The venue was an awesome place – CMEX had recently built the venue themselves after squatting the building and we were to be the first band to headline a show at the new venue.

After soundcheck we went to our backstage room where a table of food, two bottles of vodka and a 24 pack of beer awaited consumption. Ofcourse, we obliged and got wasted! CMEX opened the show and were even better than the previous night.

The show was awesome, lots of crowd activity and some nice pit moves were displayed. After the show we signed autographs, posed for photos and begrudgingly parted with plectrums, drum sticks and various items of clothing.

The night was going very well and we were sitting backstage with a beer when everything got pretty fucking mental!

We heard a lot of shouting coming from the venue so we poked our heads around the corner and saw our friends Tanya and Paulina get hit by a drunk guy. Everything got really out of hand and a huge fight broke out between all our Friends and a fucking crazy guy who continued to hit Paulina and Tanya.

Once everything had calmed down we were rushed out of the venue to wait for a cab to take us to the station. Once outside, the crazy guy came back to appologise to Paulina. He said it was just a mis-understanding, what a fucking prick!

We were all shocked at by what had happened yet the majority of the crowd seemed strangely un-phased. We asked a guy if this was normal, his reply - “welcome to Russia!”

Once on the train back to Moscow a photographer from the show took some pictures of us and shared some beer. Strange night!

European Tour Diary Part 3

DAY 15 - JULY 23RD

AFTER STARTING THE DAY WITH A SHOT OF VODKA, KEJMY TOOK US TO PRAGUES FINEST VEGAN CURRY HOUSE FOR LUNCH AND ICE CREAM FOLLOWED BY A STROLL AROUND THE CITY. AS THE TEMPERATURE WAS 37 DEGREES WE DECIDED TO CUT OUR VISIT SHORT, GET BACK IN THE VAN AND DRIVE BACK TO SEE BERTL IN WIENER NEUSTADT.

THE JOURNEY SUCKED - AS SOON AS WE REACHED THE AUSTRIAN BORDER, THE WEATHER TURNED FROM SCORCHING HEAT TO TORRENTIAL RAIN AND GNARLY LIGHTNING STORMS.

WE FINALLY REACHED THE SANCTUARY OF BERTL'S HOUSE, LET OURSELVES IN AND DRANK AS MUCH OF HIS BEER AS WE COULD. THE RENTOKILL GUYS RETURNED FROM BAND PRACTICE AROUND MIDNIGHT, BERTL WAS WASTED AND AS FUNNY AS EVER.

WE CARRIED ON DRINKING AND TALKING SHIT FOR A FEW HOURS BEFORE CALLING IT A NIGHT.

DAY 16

IT WAS SO HOT IN BERTLS' FRONT ROOM THAT NONE OF US COULD SLEEP, WE LEFT FOR HUNGARY AND AFTER A THREE HOUR DRIVE WE ARRIVED IN SUNNY DOROG – JUST OUTSIDE BUDAPEST.

WE PULLED INTO A SPAR AND CALLED THE PROMOTER, WITHIN A FEW MINUTES WE WERE MET BY STEVE, PETER AND MARK, THE THREE LEAST HUNGARIUN NAMES I HAVE EVER HEARD. WE FOLLOWED THEM TO PETER'S HOUSE WHERE WE WOULD BE STAYING, HAD SOME FOOD AND HEADED TO THE BEACH.

THE WEATHER WAS SCORCHING AND THE GUYS MADE US FEEL EXTREMELY WELCOME, WE ARRIVED AT THE BEACH TO FIND A BEER HUT BLASTING OUT TECHNO REMIXES OF METALLICA SONGS, UNBELIEVABLY HOT GIRLS IN BIKINI'S AND CHEAP HUNGARIAN BEER, WE WERE IN PARADISE! AFTER A FEW BEERS, SOME SWIMMING AND SOME WELL DIGUISED PERVING WE HEADED BACK TO PETER'S HOUSE.

WE WERE STAYING IN AN AWESOME LITTLE GUEST HOUSE AT PETER'S PARENTS HOUSE, WE MET HIS PARENTS AND HIS DOG, ATE SOME FOOD, THEN HEADED INTO TOWN. WE STARTED OFF AT A BAR WHERE WE WERE BOUGHT A FEW ROUNDS OF SHOTS. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL WAS IN THOSE GLASSES BUT IT DEFINITELY GOT US IN THE MOOD FOR A NIGHT OF PARTYING.

WE MOVED ON TO THE VENUE WHERE WE WOULD BE PLAYING THE FOLLOWING NIGHT AND WERE INTRODUCED TO ANOTHER LOCAL DRINK. DINOM DANOM – IT TASTED LIKE WATERED-DOWN VERMOUTH AND WAS ONLY 10%. WE NECKED A COUPLE BOTTLES AND RETURNED TO THE SHOTS WE'D HAD EARLIER.

AT THE BAR WE MET A FOOTBALL HOOLIGAN WHO LOOKED LIKE THE EVIL BOSS FROM BIKER MICE FROM MARS, HE INSISTED ON TELLING US HOW MANY MILLWALL FANS HE'D HOSPITALISED WHEN THEY CAM TO BUDAPEST. WE POLITELY GOT THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM AND CONTINUED DRINKING WITH OUR NEW FRIENDS.

DAY 17

TODAY WE WOKE UP PRETTY FUCKING HUNGOVER, AFTER AN ONION AND PEPPER SOUP BREAKFAST WE DECIDED TO HEAD STRAIGHT TO BUDAPEST. IT'S AN AMAZING CITY, BEAUTIFUL WEATHER, STUNNING ARCHITECTURE AND MORE EASTERN EUROPEAN ASS THAN ANY OF US COULD HANDLE! WITHOUT A DOUBT ONE OF THE BEST CITIES WE'VE VISITED.

AFTER A FULL DAY OF SIGHT-SEEING WE HEADED BACK TO DOROG FOR AN AFTERNOON BEER AND SLEEP BEFORE HEADING TO THE VENUE FOR SOUNDCHECK. WE KNEW TONIGHT WAS GOING TO BE SICK, BY THE TIME WE'D UNLOADED THERE WERE ALREADY OVER A HUNDRED KIDS ALL GETTING LOOSE ON DINOM DANOM.

14 ALIEN OPENED THE SHOW AND FINISHED THEIR SET BY PERSUADING NICK TO PLAY BASS FOR A BOOZY BLINK 182 COVER, IT WAS GOOD FUN! REFLECTED PLAYED NEXT WHO WERE GOOD TO WATCH, THE CROWD WERE OBVIOUSLY UP FOR THE SHOW TONIGHT WHICH WAS AWESOME. KAL WAS PRESENTED A BOTTLE OF WINE HALF WAY THROUGH OUR SET FROM A YOUNG GIRL WHO SAID HER DAD WANTED TO OFFER IT TO US, AFTER ACCEPTING THE WINE (AND THE FACT THAT KAL MAY WELL NOW BE ENGAGED) WE GOT PISSED AND FINISHED THE SET. WE PLAYED ONE OF THE LONGEST SETS WE'VE EVER PLAYED AND HAD PEOPLE CROWD SURFING, SINGING ALONG AND PLAYING AIR GUITAR FROM START TO FINISH, IT WAS DEFINITELY ONE OF THE BEST SHOWS WE'VE PLAYED FOR A WHILE AND A GREAT WAY TO FINISH WHAT HAS BEEN ONE HELL OF A TOUR!

AS WE ONLY HAD TWO DAYS TO GET FROM BUDAPEST TO CALAIS WE DECIDED TO STICK AROUND FOR A COUPLE HOURS, DRINK AS MUCH AS WE COULD WITH OUR NEW FRIENDS AND HEAD TOWARDS THE FERRY PORT. UNFORTUNATELY WE HAD TO MISS OUT ON A HOUSE PARTY WHICH ALWAYS SUCKS BUT WE'LL DEFINITELY BE HEADING BACK TO HUNGARY AS SOON AS WE CAN!

DAY 18

AFTER THE SHOW HARRISON DROVE TO VIENNA WHERE WE DECIDED THAT WE SHOULD EACH DRIVE FOR 5 HOURS THEN SLEEP FOR FIVE HOURS. PETE REACHED NURENBERG, PHIL GOT US TO THE NORTH OF GERMANY. HARRISON WOKE BACK UP AND DROVE TO BELGIUM BEFORE PETE FINISHED THE JOURNEY TO CALAIS. WE'D DRIVEN FROM BUDAPEST TO CALAIS IN 20 HOURS, ONLY STOPPING FOR DIESEL AND RED BULL. WHAT A FUCKING TERRIBLE WAY TO SPEND A DAY!

WE WERE A DAY EARLY FOR OUR FERRY SO WE DECIDED TO TAKE THE HIT AND BUY A NEW TICKET BACK TO ENGLAND. PHIL GOT US BACK TO BRIGHTON WHERE WE ALL AGREED WE DIDN'T WANT TO SEE OR SPEAK TO EACHOTHER FOR AT LEAST A WEEK.

WHAT AN AWESOME THREE WEEKS!

European Tour Diary Part 2

DAY 9 - JULY 17TH

WOKE UP FEELING LIKE SHIT, 12 HOUR DRIVE TODAY AND OUR SHITTY TOM- TOM DOESN'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE!! WE JUMPED IN THE VAN, WIPED OUR BALLS WITH WET WIPES AND SET OFF. AFTER DRIVING THROUGH PRETTY MUCH THE WHOLE OF THE CZECH REPUBLIC IN THE PISSING RAIN WE DECIDED TO STOP IN HOLLABRUNN, A TOWN 54K’S FROM WIEN. AFTER WALKING AROUND LOOKING FOR ANY SIGN OF LIFE WE FOUND A BAR AND ORDERED A ROUND OF OTTAKRINGER (AWESOME AUSTRIAN BEER), AFTER SINKING OUR DRINKS WE ASKED THE WAITRESS FOR THE BILL, AS SHE TURNED HER BACK PETE STARED AT US ALL AND ROLLED HIS EYES TOWARDS THE EXIT. BY THE TIME FANNY COULD SHOUT “FUCKING LEG IT” WE WERE OUT THE DOOR AND SPRINTING FOR THE VAN.

WHEN WE ARRIVED AT THE VAN THE SKETCH KICKED IN! AFTER SPENDING A GOOD FIVE MINUTES ATTEMPTING TO REASSURE OURSELVES THAT NOTHING WOULD COME OF IT, WE DECIDED TO DRIVE OUT OF HOLLABRUNN AND FIND SOMEWHERE TO SET UP CAMP – PRETTY PUNK EH? - STEALING FIVE BEERS THEN DRIVING 20 KILOMETERS OUT OF TOWN!

WE RANDOMLY PARKED THE VAN ON SOMEONE'S FARM AND GOT INTO BED, BY THIS POINT THE WEATHER HAD CHANGED FROM TORRENTIAL RAIN TO THE KIND OF HEAT THAT MAKES YOUR BALLS WISH THEY WERE POSITIONED ON YOUR FOREHEAD! IT WAS BOILING, WE COULDN'T OPEN THE WINDOWS BECAUSE OF THE MOSQUITOES AND HARRISON'S FEET WERE OVER-POWERING THE STENCH OF HORSE SHIT COMING FROM THE FARM. NEEDLESS TO SAY WE GOT FUCK ALL SLEEP!

DAY 10 - JULY 18TH

TODAY WE GOT WOKEN UP BY THE AUSTRIAN LADY WHO OWNED THE FARM WE WERE SLEEPING ON, SHE STORMED UP TO THE VAN SHOUTING AT US AND SHAKING A HOSE, SHE WAS PISSED BECAUSE WE PARKED RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER BARN AND SHE COULDN'T EAT JELLY WHILST RIDING A BIKE......OK, MY GERMAN ISN'T TOO GOOD SO THAT MAY NOT BE COMPLETELY ACCURATE.

I THINK WE'D PARKED WHERE HER CUSTOMERS PARK OR SOMETHING, IT WAS LIKE 8.30 SO WE GOT THE FUCK OUT OF THERE AND DROVE TO WIENER- NEUSTADT, HOME OF RENTOKILL, ASTPAI, SOEY AND PLENTY OF OTHER AWESOME BANDS.

THE SHOW WAS ORIGINALLY SUPPOSED TO BE VEGANMANIA, AN OUTDOOR SHOW WITH RENTOKILL AND ASTPAI BUT AS IT WAS PISSING IT DOWN THE SHOW HAD TO BE MOVED. ZOCK FROM ASTPAI SAVED OUR ASSES AND PUT ON A SHOW IN THEIR REHEARSAL ROOM. IT WAS CRAZY, THERE WERE HUMAN PYRAMIDS, CROWD SURFING AND PEOPLE BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS ALL IN A TINY PRACTICE ROOM. WE'D NEVER DONE A PRACTICE ROOM SHOW BEFORE SO WE HAD HELL OF A TIME!

AFTER THE SHOW EVERYONE PILED INTO OUR VAN AND WE HEADED INTO TOWN TO BEGIN A NIGHT OF INEVITABLE LIVER DAMAGE, WE PROCEEDED TO DRINK AND ROCK BALLS TO THE PUNK JUKEBOX IN A CLUB WHICH WE WENT TO LAST TIME WE WERE IN WIENER NEUSTADT – IT WAS AN AWESOME NIGHT.

PISSED OUT OF OUR FACE , WE STUMBLED OUT OF THE CLUB AT 6AM AND BEGAN TRYING TO FIND BERTLE'S HOUSE. BY THIS POINT PHIL HAD LONG LEFT THE CLUB, DRIVEN OUR VAN BACK TO BERTL'S PLACE (SOBER), BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE AND TOLD HE NEEDED TO PAY THE POLICE OFFICER 20 EUROS FOR THEM TO DRIVE OFF – GOOD OLD HONEST POLICE WORK! PHIL DIDN'T PAY THEM 20 EUROS, INSTEAD HE SHOWED THE POLICEMAN HIS ENGLISH PASSPORT AND PLAYED THE LANGUAGE BARRIER CARD, GOOD LAD!

ON OUR JOURNEY BACK TO BERTL'S WE WERE APPROACHED BY SOME LOCALS WHO THROUGH A HANDFUL OF EUROS AT US AND TOLD US TO FUCK OFF BACK TO ENGLAND, THIS WAS THE LAST THING WE NEEDED AT 6 IN THE MORNING – THE SUN WAS UP, THE BIRDS WERE SINGING, WE WERE ALREADY HUNGOVER WITH NO IDEA WHERE THE FUCK BERT'S HOUSE WAS AND WE HAD FOUR ….FOLLOWING US, SHOUTING ANYTHING IN ENGLISH THEY COULD.

AFTER MANY FICH DICH'S WERE EXCHANGED WE STABBED ALL OF THEM IN THE FACE AND LAUGHED ABOUT IT ON THE WAY HOME!

OK WE DIDN'T REALLY DO THAT, CLASICALLY WE WALKED AWAY IN THE WRONG DIRECTION AND BY 7AM WE REALISED WE WERE COMPLETELY LOST. WE FOUND THE POLICE STATION AND ASKED THEM FOR A MAP TO BERTLE'S HOUSE. AFTER THEIR INITIAL RESPONSE OF “WHO THE FUCK IS BERTL?” WE TOLD THEM THE STREET NAME AND THEY WERE KIND ENOUGH TO POINT US IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. WE GOT BACK TO THE HOUSE AND GOT INTO BED AROUND 7.30 – WHAT A NIGHT!

DAY 11 - JULY 19TH

FEELING PRETTY GOOD CONSIDERING, JUST WOKE UP – IT'S 3 O'CLOCK AND AS FAR AS I KNOW NOBODY PUKED! TIME TO SHIT/SHOWER/SMOKE/SKETCH/SHIT/SMOKE.......

THE PLAN FOR TODAY WAS TO GO TO LAKE BLED IN SLOVENIA BUT AS WE MANAGED TO SLEEP MOST OF THE DAY BERTLE SUGGESTED WE STAY ANOTHER DAY AND HELP HIM DRINK THE 200 BEERS HE HAD IN HIS FRIDGE. SO WE GOT PISSED, WATCHED ROYAL RUMBLE 2005 THEN WENT FOR A SKATE AROUND WIENER NEUSTADT WHICH WAS AWESOME, FAIR PLAY HARRISON CAN DO SOME CRAZY SHIT ON A BOARD, ME AND PETE JUST LOVE CRUSING.

TODAY WAS A REALLY CHILLED OUT DAY – JUST WHAT WE NEEDED, WE ALL CALLED HOME WHERE APPARENTLY SWINE FLU WAS KICKING ASS AND THE WEATHER WAS SHIT.

DAY 12 - JULY 20TH

AFTER A GOOD NIGHT SLEEP, ALL OF US GRABBED A SHOWER (SEPERATELY), HARRISON WAS SHOWING PETE HOW TO BREAK DANCE ON HIS HEAD, AND AS I WRITE THIS PETE'S IN AGONY - HE CAN'T TURN HIS HEAD RIGHT, HE'S LIKE DEREK ZOOLANDER!

TODAY WE'RE DRIVING TO LAKE BLED IN SLOVENIA FOR A DAY OFF BEFORE THE LJUBLJANA SHOW, SO I GUESS OUR NEXT STOP IS TO THE SUPERMARKET TO STOCK UP ON NOODLES AND SOUP, FUCK EATING ANY MORE BREAD!

AFTER A VERY SCENIC DRIVE THROUGH THE ALPS IN 36 DEGREE HEAT WE ARRIVED AT LAKE BLED AROUND 7. THIS PLACE IS AMAZING! THE SCENERY IS BREATHE TAKING, BUT FUCK ME THE MOSQUITOES ARE ANNOYING. AFTER A DIP IN THE LAKE AND LOOK AROUND WE DECIDED IT WOULD BE A BRILLIANT IDEA TO GET COMPLETELY WASTED, WE EACH BOUGHT THE MOST BRUTAL BOTTLE OF RED WINE, IT COST 2 EUROS FOR TWO LITRES AND TASTES, LOOKS AND SMELLS LIKE PISSY BLOOD. AFTER DRINKING A FUCK LOAD OF WINE, AND GETTING BITTEN TO SHIT BY MOSQUITOES WE DECIDED TO WALK INTO TOWN TO CARRY ON DRINKING.WE BUMPED INTO TWO GIRLS CALLED SARA AND NINA WHO SHOWED US AROUND BLED. WHILE PHIL AND HARRISON HIT THE BARS WITH THE GIRLS, THE REST OF US CARRIED ON DRINKING IN THE STREET AND GOT TALKING TO A REALLY SKETCHY TRAVELLER NAMED ERIC.

AFTER AN HOUR OF TALKING SHIT WE MADE A PACKED THAT WERE GONNA PLAY 18 HOLES OF GOLF IN THE MORNING, AND JOINED THE OTHERS AT THE BAR. THEY WERE ALL FUCKED AFTER DRINKING A COCKTAIL WHICH APPARENTLY WHEN TRANSLATED INTO ENGLISH IS CALLED PISSED OF CHAINSAW, SEROIUSLY THAT DRINK BLEW OUR HEADS OFF!

NEEDLESS TO SAY – WE WERE FUCKED! ON THE WAY HOME FANNY DECIDED TO JUMP IN THE LAKE AGAIN, WE TRIED TO STEAL A BOAT, HUNG OUT WITH A FAMILY OF SWANS, ENDED UP LOST IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIELD AND YET AGAIN LOST ABOUT A PINT OF BLOOD TO THE MOSQUITOES. WE FINALLY MADE IT BACK TO THE VAN AND COOKED SOME FOOD BEFORE PASSING OUT.

DAY 13 - JULY 21ST

WE WOKE UP HUNG OVER AS BALLS AND DECIDED THE BEST CURE WAS TO JUMP IN THE LAKE. AFTER FIGHTING THE URGE TO PUKE IN THE MOST AMAZING, CRYSTAL BLUE WATER EVER WE HAD AN ICE COLD SHOWER (AGAIN,SEPERATELY!) AND CRACKED ON WITH BREAKFAST.

WHILST EATING BREAKFAST, WHO SHOULD SHOW UP BUT THE FAMILY OF SWANS FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE. THEY DROVE US OUT OF OUR SUNBATHING SPOT AND SHAT ON OUR TOWELS!

AFTER A HUGE SWIM, WE SUN BATHED SOME MORE, DRANK BEER, HAD LUNCH , AND DECIDED TO HIRE A ROWING BOAT SO WE COULD SEE THE ISLAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKE. WE EVENTUALLY MADE IT TO THE ISLAND AND LOOKED AROUND, WE FOUND A REALLY QUIET AREA WHERE PEOPLE WERE RELAXING IN THE SUN. HARRISON DECIDED TO BREAK THE SILENCE BY RUNNING AS FAT AS HE COULD AND BOMBING INTO THE WATER, SOAKING EVERYONE. WE GOT BACK IN THE BOAT AND MADE OUR WAY TO THE SHORE.

AS WE APPROACHED THE VAN NINA WAS WAITING FOR HER LUNCH DATE WITH PHIL, THEY DISAPPEARED FOR ABOUT AN HOUR SO WE CARRIED ON LAZING AROUND IN THE SUN, DRINKING BEER AND STARING AT THE RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF HOT GIRLS IN AND AROUND THE LAKE.

PHIL RETURNED FROM HIS DATE WITH A CONSIDERABLY LARGE.......................................GRIN! APPARENTLY THEY SWAM OUT TO THE ISLAND (A 1KM SWIM) GOOD LAD PHIL!

WE COULD HAVE EASILY SPENT ANOTHER WEEK IN BLED, IT'S BY FAR ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING PLACES ANY OF US HAVE BEEN. BUT WE HAD TO MAKE OUR WAY TO LJUBLJANA FOR OUR SHOW AT TOVARNA ROG. WE ARRIVED AT THE VENUE AND MET UP WITH OUR FRIENDS FROM INSANE, NEED A NURSE AND THE IGNORED. IT WAS GREAT TO CATCH UP WITH THE GUYS AND DRINK SOME BEERS.

THE VENUE WAS AWESOME, NEED A NURSE AND THE IGNORED WERE REALLY GOOD. TWO SONGS INTO OUR SET THE POLICE ARRIVED, NOT SURE WHY BUT IT DEFINITELY SUCKED ALL THE ENERGY FROM THE CROWD. THE POLICE STAYED FOR A COUPLE SONGS THEN LEFT, WE FINISHED OUR SET AND HAD TO GET BACK IN THE VAN AND MAKE OUR WAY TO PRAGUE.

DAY 14 - JULY 22ND

WE ARRIVED AT A SERVICE STATION IN AUSTRIA AROUND 5AM AND GOT 15 MINUTES SLEEP BEFORE A GERMAN TRUCKER TOLD US TO MOVE OUR VAN, 3 HOURS LATER WE WERE WOKEN UP BY A POLICE OFFICER WHO TOLD US OUR ROAD INSURANCE HAD EXPIRED. WE BOUGHT ANOTHER WEEKS INSURANCE, BAGELS AND COFFEE AND HEADED FOR PRAGUE.

IT TOOK US SO LONG TO GET THERE, WE ARRIVED AT THE VENUE AND MET OUR FRIEND KEJMY 10 MINUTES BEFORE DOORS OPENED. KEJMY'S A LEGEND AND HE PUT ON ANOTHER GREAT SHOW FOR US. WE HAD SOME AMAZING VEGAN FOOD AND DRANK AS MUCH STAROPRAMEN AS WE COULD BEFORE WE PLAYED.

THE SHOW WAS AWESOME, THE MIGHTY SOUNDS FESTIVAL WAS HAPPENING IN PRAGUE SO WE WEREN'T SURE IF WE'D PULL A DECENT CROWD. FORTUNATELY A GOOD 80 PEOPLE CAME TO SEE US AND THE CROWD WERE AWESOME - WE LOVE PLAYING PRAGUE! AFTER THE SHOW WE HUNG AND DRUNK SOME MORE STAROPRAMEN WITH SERRGEI, A GUY WE MET FROM RUSSIA, HE'D BOUGHT ONE OF EVERYTHING WE WERE SELLING ON OUR MERCH STAND – EVEN THE I BREATHE SPEARS EP'S FANNY WAS SELLING ON THE TOUR TO FUEL HIS CRACK ADDICTION!

WE WENT BACK TO KEJMY'S HOUSE AND GOT THE BEST NIGHT SLEEP OF THE TOUR.

European Tour Diary Part 1

DAY 1- JULY 9TH
THE DAY STARTED OF SKETCHY, WAITING AT PHILS HOPING THAT OUR NEW T-SHIRTS WOULD ARRIVE , WITH ABOUT 10 MINS TO SPARE ALAS THEY SHOWED UP . SO WE PACKED THE VAN AND SET OFF TO CATCH THE FERRY AT DOVER.
LD FERRIES SUCK BALLS! WE ARRIVED ON TIME AT THE FERRY PORT BUT SECURITY DECIDED TO STOP US AND FOR SOME REASON NOT CHECK OUR VAN. AFTER ALL THIS SKECTH, WE BOLTED TO THE FERRIE CHECK IN WHERE WE WERE TOLD “ SORRY YOU'VE MISSED THE FERRY, NEXT ONE IS AT SEVEN”. WE NEEDED TO BE IN BELGIUM FOR 7, SO WE HAD TO GO DOWN THE MYSTEROIOUS YET WONDERFUL LANE 81 TO BUY ANOTHER TICKET. SEA FRANCE SAVED ARE ASSES, WE RUSHED BACK TO THE CHECK IN POINT ONLY TO FIND THE MOST MISERABLE , SEX DEPRIVED WOMAN WHO THEN PROCEEDED TO CHARGE US ANOTHER £50. BUT WE GOT ON THE FERRY AND ALL WAS GOOD.
WE ARRIVED IN CALAIS AND MADE ARE WAY FOR BRUSSELS, THE DRIVE WAS BORING BUT WE ARRIVED AT THE VENUE AROUND 8.00 , MET PIERRE THE PROMOTER AND LOADED IN. THE VENUE WAS A BOAT ON THE BRUSSELS CANAL, AWESOME LITTLE VENUE. AFTER LOADING IN ME AND NICK DECIDED TO VENTURE INTO BRUSSELS TO FIND THE PERFECT SPOT FOR A WELL BUILT UP POO.
WHEN WE GOT BACK WE MET UP WITH OUR GOOD FRIENDS FROM BLACK SHEEP, WAS AWESOME TO SEE THOSE GUYS AGAIN. NICK SPENT MOST OF THE NIGHT WAVING AND BLOWING KISSES AT THE BAR MAID, DEADLY MOVES! BLACK SHEEP'S SET WAS AWESOME , WE PLAYED FOR ABOUT 50 MINS HAD AN ENCORE WHICH IS ALWAYS NICE, THE GIG WAS SICK, AWESOME SHOW TO START THIS GNARLY ADVENTURE
AFTER THE SHOW WE DROVE ABOUT 3 HRS INOT THE NIGHT, KAL HAD BROUGHT ALONG WITH HIM A TENT THAT EVEN RAY MEARS WOULD HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH. WE PITCHED UP AT A BUS STOP IN A LITTLE TOWN CALLED BEEZ, AND GOT SOME SLEEP

DAY 2 - JULY 10TH

WE WOKE UP SURROUNDED BY BELGIANPENTIONERS WAITING FOR THEIR BUS, PACKED UP OUR TENT AND HEADED FOR THE BRIGHT LIGHTS OF AUSTRIA.

OUR SAT NAV IS ABOUT AS USEFULL AS A DUCK WITH A SHOTGUN STRAPPED TO ITS BACK, THIS COMBINED WITH PHIL'S SKETCHY EUROPEAN DRIVING MADE FOR AN INTERESTING JOURNEY, SKECTHY BASTARD!

WE GOT STOPPED BY GERMAN POLIZEI WHICH ARE FUNNY, THEY DEFINITELY HAD A GOOD COP, BAD COP THING GOING ON. AFTER SCRAPING AND SNIFFING THE EARWAX LEFT ON NICK'S EARPLUG CASE THEY DECIDED THEY'D HAD ENOUGH AND LEFT US TO CONTINUE TOWARDS AUSTRIA. UNFORTUNATELY THERE WAS A HUGE ADDCIEDENT WHICH MEANT WE HAD TO TRY AND NAVIGATE OUR WAY AROUND IT. WE ENDED UP LOST IN A LITTLE VILLAGE CALLED SCHWABACH, WE FOUND TWO REALLY HOT GIRLS AT A BUS STOP WHO WERE KIND ENOUGH TO GIVE US DIRECTIONS TO THE NEAREST PUB. WE PARKED UP AND BEGAN DRINKING WITH THE LOCALS, ONE OF WHICH WAS A CRAZY NAZI WHO ASKED US IF WE WERE HIPPIES, HE WAS AN ABOUSLTE SPOON, WE MET SOME LOVELY PEOPLE THAT NIGHT , NICK'S JAW HIT THE FLOOR WHEN HE MET THE LOCAL TEASE “ANNA”, HE WAS IN COMPETION WITH EVERY GERMAN GUY IN THERE.

THIS WAS A LONG DAY BUT TURNED OUT TO BE HELL OF A NIGHT!

DAY 3 - JULY 11TH
TODAY WAS ANOTHER UBERLY LONG DAY OF DRIVING, WE WERE PLAYING A FESTIVAL JUST OUTSIDE OF VIENNA. AFTER STOPPING AT NUMEROUS SERVICE STATIONS TO BUY WEIRD CAKES, AND DRVING THROUGH SUNFLOWER FIELDS WE EVENTUALY ARRIVED AT THE FESTIVAL AND MET JURGEN THE PROMOTER. AFTER A HORRIBLE DAY OF DRIVING IT WAS OBVIOUS TONIGHT WAS GONNA BE THE NIGHT THAT WE GOT COMPLETEY BATTERED. AFTER SETTING UP OUR TENT AND LINING OUR STOMACH'S WITH POMMES, WE GOT ON THE CHILI VODKA (WHICH IS EVEN MORE DISGUSTING THAN IT SOUNDS!). THE SHOW WAS REALLY GOOD, KAL PUKED ON THE LAST CHORD OF THE SET WHICH WAS FUCKIN HILARIOUS! NEW RIOT PLAYED AFTER US WHICH GAVE US MORE TIME TO DRINK BEFORE THE AFTERSHOW PARTY.

THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT WAS NICK CONVINCING A KID CALLED SEBASTIAN TO DO A SHOT OF JAEGER UP THE NOSE, THE KID PUKED AND ENDED UP ON THE FLOOR, IT WAS AWESOME! FANNY AND NICK DANCED LIKE MOTHERFUCKERS UNTIL 6 IN THE MORNING, FANNY COMPLETELY FELL ASS OVER TIT WHILST ROCKING BALLS TO LIMP BIZKIT, PUKING AND SLEEPING OCCURRED SHORTLY AFTER THIS!

DAY 4 - JULY 12TH
HUNGOVER AS FUCK! BEFORE WE LEFT WE “BORROWED” A CRATE OF COKE AND LEMONADE, IT WAS SO HOT WE WERE PUKING BEFORE WE EVEN GOT IN THE VAN. NICK PUKED OUT THE PASSENGER WINDOW A FEW TIMES WHILST WE WERE DRIVING THROUGH VIENNA, THEN SLEPT UNTIL 6 IN THE EVENING. BY WHICH POINT WE WERE HALF WAY BACK TO BELGIUM, PHIL HAD MANAGED NOT TO CRASH! GOOD LAD PHIL! WE PITCHED OUR TENT IN A PETROL STATION AND COOKED SOME FOOD BEFORE HITTING THE SACK, TODAY WAS PRETTY AWFUL.

DAY 5 - JULY 13TH
WE HAD OUR FIRST SHOWER IN FIVE DAYS! (7 DAYS FOR NICK, TRAMPISH BASTARD!) WE DECIDED TO DRIVE TO KOLN WHICH WAS AWESOME, THE CATHERDAL WAS BEAUTIFUL AND THE 76 H&M'S WE SAW ALL SERVED AN INDIVIDUAL PURPOSE – GOOD OLD EFFICIENT GERMAN'S! AFTER TAKING IN THE SIGHTS NICK'S CHIN STRAP WAS STARTING TO SCARE THE LOCALS, SO WE GOT BACK IN THE VAN AND HEADED FOR ECAUSINNES. AS IS OFTEN THE CASE WHEN VENTURING THROUGH BELGIUM, WE SAW MORE COWS THAN HUMANS AND ANY FRESH AIR WE DID GET IN THE VAN SMELLED LIKE SHIT. WE ARRIVED AT THE VENUE AND MET PIERRE, RUSHED TO THE BAR AND SANK AS MANY JUPILER'S AS WE COULD BEFORE WE PLAYED.

WE THEN DROVE TO PIERRE’'S AND HAD SOME AMNESIA, AFTER SOME MINOR HEART PROMBLEMS, MIND RACING AND GENERAL SKECTKING WE ALL SLIPPED INTO A TEN HOUR COMA.

DAY 6 - JULY 14TH
LEIDEN TODAY, SHOULD BE FUN .SHOWS IN HOLLAND ALWAYS SEEM TO BE AWESOME. THE VENUE WAS A SQUAT CALLED SUB071 , IT WAS A SICK BUILDING, THE PROMOTER LEON WAS WICKED, COOKED US SOME AMAZING VEGAN PIZZA AND WHOLESOME SOUP. THE VENUE WAS SO COOL, IT WAS BY FAR THE SMALLEST PLACE WE'VE PLAYED (30 CAPACITY) BUT WE KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE A FUN SHOW.

AFTER TALKING TO EVERYONE AND MEETING THE DUCTH SNOOP DOG, WE DECIDED TO VENTURE TO AMSTERDAM, WE ARRIVED IN THE DAM ABOUT 1.30 am, WE THEN BUMPED INTO A DUDE WHO LOOKED A FRUIT BAT, CRAZY AND STRANGE BUT A LOVELY GUY HE SOLD US SOME OF THE LOCAL FRUIT AND WE HEADED BACK TO THE VAN FOR ANOTHER DOSE OF AWESOME HEART PALPITATIONS, SOME WEIRD THOUGHTS AND A SPRINKLE OF SKECTHING , WE FELL INTO A MELLOW SLUMPER AND ALL DRIFTED OF TO SLEEP.

DAY 7 - JULY 15TH
GOT THE TRAM TO THE CENTER OF AMSTERDAM, AS SOON AS WE ARRIVED WE DECIDED TO WAKE AND BAKE, TODAY WAS GONNA BE AN ABOUSLTE MEMORY WIPER SO THIS PART OF THE TOUR DIARY MIGHT NOT BE AS DESRCIPTIVE AS ABOVE. AFTER GOING TOO THE 420 WE GOT SOME FOOD, THEN WENT FOR A WALK , BACK TOO THE 420, HAVE A DRINK, SKETCH OUT, ASK HARRISON IF HE'S OK, HAVE THE 7th POO OF THE DAY, EAT LOADS OF BREAD, BK TO THE 420, DRINK, DRY MOUTH, SKECTHING, WALK FOR AGES, LOOK AT SOME CRAZY POSTCARDS, ONE IN PATRICLUAR WAS ABOSULTY RANK , MIND YOU MOST OF THEM WERE SICK, ESPECIALLY THE EYE VAJINA EYE!!

AFTER THE DAM WE JUST SAT CHILLING BY A SMALL CANAL RIVER THING, COOKING SOME SOUP AND NOODLES , THE MAJORITY OF US ARE STARTING TO RUN OUT OF MONEY!

TODAY HAS BEEN WELL GOOD FUN AND A BRILLIANT WAY TO SPEND OUR DAY OFF, UNTIL TOMORROW..........

DAY 8 - JULY 16TH
JUST CLEANED THE OLD TEETH WHICH WAS A HUGE SUCCESS, AND A NICE CHANGE FROM THE CHRONIC DRY MOUTH, THE VAN HUMS AND THEY FLYS ARE LOVING IT. TODAY WE HAVE A 4 HOUR DRIVE TO HAMBURG AND PHIL LOOKS EXTREMELY KNACKERED THIS MORING. HARRISON'S SKETCHY CHIN STRAP IS TAKING OVER HIS FACE AND CHEST AND HIS NECK HAIR HAS JOINED HIS BEARD AS WELL, MORE THE MERRIER! SO WE SET OF DRIVING TO HAMBURG, TOOK AROUND 6 HOURS AND ALL OF US WERE DEFINITELY FEELING IT TODAY. WE FOUND THE VENUE, IT WAS AN INCREDIBLE PLACE AND THEY HAD A SKATEPARK BEHIND THE VENUE.

AFTER WAITING FOR 3 HOURS FOR THIS FAT GERMAN LADY TO MOVE HER BLUE VAN , WE UNLOADED INTO THE VENUE. THE PROMOTERS COOKED US THE BEST FOOD, IT WAS AMAZING, WE HAD VEGAN FRANKFURTERS , VEGAN SALAMI, CRISPS, CHOCLATE , HOT CURRY WITH WINE, AND AS MUCH LOCAL BEER AS WE COULD DRINK. AFTER STUFFING OURSELVES WE HEADED UPSTAIRS TO WACTH THE BANDS, SHELLYCOAT OPENED THE SHOW AND WERE FOLLOWED BY VLADIMIR HARKONEN, BOTH WERE AWESOME.
THIS WAS DEFINITELY THE STRANGEST SHOW OF THE TOUR, WE WERE JOINED ON STAGE (FOR THE WHOLE SET) BY A GNARLY LOOKING LOCAL BUM. HE PROCEED TO STEAL KAL'S MICROPHONE AND SCREAM OVER THE FIRST SONG OF OUR SET, AT FIRST WE FOUND IT HILLARIOUS BUT AFTER SIX SONGS IT BECAME ANNOYING AS FUCK! AFTER HAVING HIS MICROPHONE TAKEN THE MAN DECIDED TO HEADBUTT HARRISON AND JUST GENRALLY HIT ANYTHING HE COULD WHILST GURNING LIKE A MAD MAN. HE EVEN CAME BACK ON STAGE FOR THE ENCORE – PSYCHO!

AFTER THE SHOW WE MADE OUR WAY TO AUSTRIA AS WE HAD A DAY OFFANDWANTED TO CATCH RENTOKILL AND PROPAGANDHI IN WIEN!

Merch.......and stuff

Alright? Our new t-shirt design arrived from Horsebites, it's a freakin awesome, gnarly skull!

Black, White and Red T-shirts will be available at shows and at fromplantoprogress@bigcartel.com from this wednesday onwards so get them while mullet-sporting skulls are still in fashion!

In other news, tour starts next week with a couple UK shows before heading over to the mainland where we'll be playing with our good friends Rentokill and Black Sheep. We'll be doing a blog tour diary with plenty of lame pictures in a feeble, last-ditch attempt to exploit the benefits of Digital Media.

Also in August we'll be touring Spain and Portugal before heading over to Russia for a two week tour (dates tba soon). It's gona be crazy and if all goes according to plan you'll be able to watch regular updates from both tours in the form of a video blog/Tour diary right here!

We also just finished recording guitars for some new demo tracks so as soon as we're back from tour we'll be slapping some vocals down and putting them up on our Myspace page for you to hear.

Our lovable yet sketchy, piece of shit van failed its MOT with outstanding conviction which unfortunately resulted in us having to cancel both shows this Sunday (5th) in Cambridge and Blackburn. Sorry to anyone who was coming to those shows, we'll try our best to re-schedule them soon.

Cheers

FPTP